With all that is going on in our world and the general nature of this site's content being serious I thought a bit of humor would be nice.
Here's a little something I got in email some time back. The guys will likely fall over laughing, if their sense of humor is just a tad warped. Ladies ... well ... you be the judge.
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I
heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make
sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire
along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had made for 26
miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet
into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the
ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push
mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact
that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached
down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and
the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is
about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on
fire on the cover.
Time stood still!
The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my
body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing
in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I
could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.
It seems as though the fence charger and the piece-of-crap lawnmower were
fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to
differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3
different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel
movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM
BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there
were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like
exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the
fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I
grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had
those little junk chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9
volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting
signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this
point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the
lawnmower runs out of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is
starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had
some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please let
me die .... Pleeeeaze . But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle
nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the
go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my
own backyard, begging God to kill me.
God did not take me that day .... he left me there covered in my own fluids to
writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....
I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out
of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.
There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then
another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the
ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the
resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not
the left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you
might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little
session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better
than new after that.
7 - My nuts are still smaller than average.
8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by crossing my eyes, while thinking
of the number 4 (I still don't understand this!).
That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I
appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure
the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can
clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a
warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before
I mow!
Comments